I hate the way they make me feel so uncomfortable. I hate coming out of my comfort zone. I hate having to sit in the dokusan line, full of fear and anxiety, waiting to go in and face the teacher. What if I make a stupid arse of myself, what if I get it wrong, what if I get to feel completely useless? Why don’t I get a therapist instead, with a nice smiley face?
Why don’t they get any easier? I hate not knowing. I should know, I’ve been practising for years but still can’t see what is needed. Am I stupid?
Why don’t I do shikantaza and talk about my painful knees? At least I don’t need to show my ignorance with these stupid questions.
And when, sometimes, I manage to satisfy the teacher…
I get another one!!